Weddings & Funerals

I've long had the feeling that funerals can be less stressful than weddings.

Let's consider:

• No overpowering demand to enjoy yourself more than you've ever enjoyed yourself, ever
• Unlikely that the "special day" has been planned to perfection by one of the participants since her ninth birthday
• No DJ playing Come On Eileen
• No chance of two uncles having a drunken punch-up and falling through a multi-tiered cake
• No pressure to dance with a cloyingly precocious toddler
• Less mother-in-law jokes
• Nobody is fighting to catch the bouquet "so they'll be next"

On the other hand:

• Seen as seriously bad form to cop off with anyone involved in the ceremony
• Music is often quite doleful - but is that better or worse than Dexy's Midnight Runners for the nth time?
• Unlikely to get any sort of party favours for turning up
• People can be so gloomy
• Never get to toast the occasion with free champagne

So on the basis of that list, funerals aren't that much superior to weddings. I suppose you get a similar proportion of men wearing waistcoats and women in hats at each, but I'm waistcoat- and hat-neutral from a cost-benefit point of view.

Nobody ever said I wasn't a romantic at heart.