How to lose friends and influence people

The Thursday night show enjoyed a better turnout than I expected, and everyone laughed at least once, which was a bonus.  I need to put a bit more rehearsal in before the show on Saturday though.  But that's not the main focus for the next two days.  The main thing I'll be doing, in my bid to lose friends and influence people, is to copy and paste the following phrase beneath the status update of everyone I encounter on Facebook:

do u think anyone really cares?
It doesn't matter what their status is, whether they're announcing forthcoming nuptials, funerals, birthdays or parties.  Whether they're celebrating another pig being delivered to Farmville or the fact that they've updated their Twitter status, my badly spelled and slightly offensive message will be plastered below whatever they have to say for themselves.

And after 48 hours are up, I'll look and see how many friends I have left on Facebook, and how many have cleared off sharpish at this unprovoked apparent rudeness.

Although let's face it, are your friends on Facebook really your friends?  Would you trust them to look after your kids, or mind your house while you were away on holiday?

Then again, I don't have kids, and I have friends.¹ called things like '8-Ball' and 'Ratboy' and 'Tin-head-evil-Jason' and I wouldn't want them to mind my house while I was away on holiday.

Why would you mind a house?  I wouldn't mind a house.  A house would be a very nice thing to have.  I wouldn't mind it at all.  Asking my friends to do something that is the opposite of my own tendencies seems nothing but confusion and utter perversity.

Speaking of which, Dorsher and I have written several more jokes about eggs, for our forthcoming book.  More on that tomorrow, after I've sobered up, typed them up, and realised what a horrible idea they all are.<sup>2

1</sup>Real friends, mind, ones I've met in the physical world and had conversations with.
²I'm like an egg - I deserve to be beaten.