Hospital visit

I took this afternoon off work so I could see to my fiancee in St Teresa's: this has meant an afternoon of walking back and forth between the hospital Starbucks and the room on the ward. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to have a Starbucks in a hospital. What if you binge on coffee and then they can't anaesthetise you when it's time to saw off the top of your head? That could be quite distressing.

Especially if you'd only been in about an ingrowing toenail.

Since my other half is bereft of her voice for the rest of the week, we've been communicating via a pen and a notepad. However, because her handwriting has taken a turn for the worse (not helped by having a whopping great big stent in the back of her hand) it's led to the sort of confused and muffled conversations that usually occur when I talk to somebody.

I haven't taken full advantage of my situation. Really, I should have started crossing things out when I didn't agree with them, and composing paens to my greatness over all the available pages in the notepad. But I didn't. I am magnaminous in my victory. The victory over ... er ... my fiancee's larynx.

That may not sound like much, but every benevolent dictator has to start somewhere. She's still beating me at cards though.

I was sent up to Kowloon Tong to drop off a piece of her coursework; while I was up there I took the opportunity to compose ten new jokes. Well, some very old jokes, some laboured puns and one about centipedes that doesn't bear critical inspection. I'm not sure if they are ironically awful or just plain awful.

Come to think of it, if you're not sure, you should probably err on the side of caution. But that's not going to stop me now. Hoorah for Twitter, preserving the brainfarts of society for the future!

Friend dated a centipede: wasn't much of a conversationalist, but she had great legs

Had sex with a seismograph once: really felt like the earth moved

"We had sex with arugala, rocket, iceberg: basically anything that would lettuce" #confessionsofvegetarianrockstars

Had sex with an elephant: unforgettable

Friend had sex with a longhaired himalayan yak: woolly about the details

This guy had sex with a hermit crab; might sound fun but had bad consequences: got depressed, introverted, refused to come out of his shell

Sex with a dog? Rough. Sex with a wolf? Like sex with a dog, but much wilder

Then I heard about a guy who had sex with all the presidential staff of a republic ... He got aides

Not as bad as the guy who had sex with an entire audience at the opera: he got the clap

This lady I knew had sex with a lobster fisherman- he gave her crabs

I might have had sex with a sheep, but I was always thinking of ewe #seemedlikeagoodideaatthetime