Are you new round here?

Today I thought I'd try to write some helpful information for everyone who's visiting this blog for the first time, and I figured the best way to do this was to look at all the things they were searching for that brought them here.

So, first up: did Kelly Brook have a body double in Piranha? The answer to this question is of course not. The whole cast did all their own stunts, all their own underwater nude skank ballet, and possibly wrote all their own lines. And all the piranhas you saw on screen were the real deal: not a single fake fish throughout.

Next: when is nudity day? Well, although Hong Kong has a special day for sweeping your ancestors' tombs and then inadvertently setting fire to the hillside where that grave is situated, it doesn't have a holiday set aside for nakedness. Whether this is for public decency or because we have too high a reliance on the clothing industry for this to be tenable, I do not know.

Do I have any jokes about volcanoes? Possibly, but I think you should get your own, thanks very much.

Jetstar to Hong Kong. Well, that's not even a sentence, and I wouldn't recommend it anyway.

Is there a blue nighty in From Russia With Love? Yes, there is, and I wrote about it already, just here. You're welcome.

Should I buy a Canon 600D from Fortress in Hong Kong? No, of course not. Go to the Wan Chai Computer Centre and demand a discount. It's not a dehumidifier you're buying.

Finally, if you type "drink fridges site:blogspot.com" into Google and then randomly comment on every blog you find, you're being a bit silly, and I'm not going to help you out with your lame attempts at search engine optimisation. Night night!

There's one flaw with giving people what they want. I didn't start Comments(0) with the aim of puncturing fantasies about who posed nude with a CGI fish. But if I document that, I may make Google think that this is a useful resource for people who want to know about Kelly Brook's possible simulacrum. And so when I review my search data in another month, there may have been even more visits from people wondering if the one-time Big Breakfast presenter really was swimming around under a boat, with a conspicuous lack of clothes and breathing apparatus. And I'll be forced to write about this some more, and then my 'did Kelly Brook have a body double'-score in Google's web index may flutter a little higher, and round and round we'll go.

All I wanted in life was a series of highly profitable endorsements and sponsorship deals for expensive products. How hard can this be?