Musical Toilets

They keep playing inappropriate music in the toilets at the office. A few days ago I was hunkered down in the thunderbox when I realised my activities were being soundtracked by A-ha's theme to The Living Daylights. Today I found myself being serenaded by Robert Palmer. There are many things a toilet may be, but if it's simply irresistible then I think you're probably leaving it a bit late before you go.

Part of me wonders what the right kind of music is to play within a toilet. Beethoven's First Movement? (Hyuck hyuck hyuck.) Should it be something calm and soothing, or loud and percussive to encourage the firm and rapid processing of your bowels? I'm really not sure about that.

The larger part of me wonders what person thought it was a good idea to have music playing in the toilets. It's not playing outside in the hallway or in any of the offices; it's just piped into the toilets, to spew mindless accompaniment to the task in hand. Perhaps somebody thought that a modern, forward thinking executive, rushing between downsizing his workforce and signing off plans to reduce surplus inventory in a Johor Bahru warehouse, would want the smooth soul sounds of Rick Astley's second album to aid his micturating.

Not that it's all hits from the 1980s. I don't want to give you the wrong impression. We had that Adele in the toilet the other day. Well, her dulcet tones, not the singer in person. As if she'd jet all the way to Singapore just to stand in the toilet cubicles of a serviced office in the Central Business District, declaiming how she'd never find somebody like me.

Yes, that's right, somebody like me. I don't think I'm being a self-deluding egomaniac when I say that every song there's ever been has been inspired by me.

Except for Carly Simon's You're So Vain, of course.

But whether it's contemporary music, classics, or some bangin' dirty junglist dubstep from 2003, I have no idea what it's doing in our office toilet. Perhaps they feel that the toilet is a place of great misery, and this might lift our spirits.

Most of all though, more than the motivations of the toilet DJ, what I really want to know is: what does it sound like in the ladies'?