Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Mixed feelings

So I’m sat at gate 52 in Terminal 1, feeling a bit messed up. Perhaps it’s the cold I’ve been labouring under for the last week and a half, or maybe it’s exhaustion, but all of a sudden I feel a bit homesick. I’m not sure what for though; London wasn’t wonderful to come back to. OK, it was great to catch up with friends and family, but whenever somebody asked about what my long term plans were (asking how many years I’d be in HK before I came back) or just asking when I’d be back next, I found myself struggling not to tell them that I might not be back for a very long time. And that’s before we get on to the taxi drivers complaining about facking this and facking that and how it’s six facking quid for a facking packet of fags... So why am I getting homesick for somewhere I don’t want to go to? It’s cold here, it’s expensive, the public transport is terrible compared to Hong Kong, and it just feels, well, old. In its defence, London is suffering from winter at the moment, and the countryside around Oxford that I saw at the weekend reminded me how beautiful England can be. So perhaps it’s the hangover from Jason’s brother’s awful champagne (if Wetherspoons couldn’t give it away, that says something terrible). But more than that I think it’s that leaving this time feels much more final, as though there’s a reasonable chance that I won’t be back. Writing it like that makes it feel much more like goodbye, and I’m terrible at goodbyes.

On the positive side, the family will be over in less than twelve weeks to visit me. And in a time of economic certainty, I can be happy that I work for a company that is based on non-discretionary spending – it’s not like anyone could choose to take less holidays, is it? Perhaps it’s just the end of the year, or the worry that with 2009 I’ll grow less and less competent until I slide off the bottom of the stand-up bill at the Take-Out (before I ever get my photo stuck up above the door?) Who knows? End of the year wobbles? I’ll check back in a few days and wonder why I was so suddenly morose. Not even that – not really down. Just a bit numb. THIS IS WHAT END-OF-YEAR REVIEWS WILL DO TO YOUR FRAGILE MIND


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