Friday, September 07, 2012

The Consequences Of Cheese

The diet of cheese is having adverse effects. We've eaten precious little that isn't fermented dairy produce in the last week, and as a result we're beginning to solidify, the contents of our veins changing from haemoglobin to camembert as the days rush by.

That isn't the only change we're going through. It turns out that after all this cheese, your intestines will begin to protest, and they make their displeasure known in the only way they can. We're now farting cheese. Every visit to the toilet threatens to be one where we asphyxiate in a cloud of brie-flavoured guff. If it hadn't been so disgusting, it might have been funny the first time, but it's utterly revolting.

Several times today I've had to flee from supermarkets or move swiftly away before some innocent Nova Scotian gets a whiff of this dairy assault.

Hopefully it wears off by the time we fly back to Singapore. For the first time today we had a meal that was not composed principally of cheese, and I went for a good long run this evening to burn off some of the cheese calories. However, there's still a risk that we'll be banned from return to the Lion City because our bodies constitute an illegal dairy substance. They are very lactose intolerant, after all.

Today we also hired a car. It's blue and has four wheels, and that's about all I can say about it. It's quite novel; we haven't driven it into a pole or any other stationary object in Canada (yet) but we have driven across the province. Travelling around Nova Scotia demonstrates that trains are wholly impractical in parts of this country; if there's miles between each house, what use is it to have a transportation network that only runs on rails between a few stations?

There is the problem of diminishing petroleum reserves, but I have got a (cheese-based) proposal for the car manufacturers...


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