So you want to be a killing machine? (part 1)

Need fame? Fortune? The ability to kick sand in people's faces, even when you're not at the beach? Then you need a martial art - but which one? Here's the first part of a helpful guide for the pugilists out there:

Muay thai

This conforms to a few simple principles.
Two people stand in a ring and take turns to hit one another in the face. This is usually with their fists, but for variety they will also use their feet or their elbows.
From time to time, one or both participants will fall over, usually while trying to kick the other person. They will then stand up and start hitting one another again.
A muay thai bout lasts for three rounds. Each round is roughly about two minutes in length, and is carefully differentiated from other fights by the music that is played throughout. This is a traditional cacophony of strings, with a thudding beat and occasionally the sound of a ZX Spectrum loading a game from tape. As any fool knows, music that is not created by four guys wearing skinny jeans and playing guitars is worthless.
However, in the muay thai arena this has certain advantages. Fighters from most other nationalities have not had to put up with this racket since childhood, and often surrender in order to make the music stop. Thais, having heard the same noise again and again for years, are less upset by it and can carry on standing up for longer. This is one reason why no non-Thai has ever won in a match with a Thai. Ever.
After three rounds, or when somebody has surrendered to the music, the fight stops, and everyone hugs.


Kick boxing

Kickboxing is often confused with muay thai by neophytes. It is quite different, as it has:

• Jean Claude Van Damme


• None of that music. Unfortunately, there will still be music from the 1980s.

Cage fighting

Two people*, in a cage, having a fight.

* Or sometimes one person and a bear, or one person and several lions. Telephone your local zoo for details.