So you want to be a killing machine? (part 2) : THE ONE INCH PUNCH

If you want to be a killing machine, you have to be able to master the one-inch punch. But fear not! While I have travelled all the way to Hong Kong to learn it from the masters, you don't need to go nearly so far. I hope by the end of this short post to have shown you how to summon your inner strength and defeat your enemies.

There are two approaches to the one-inch punch, and as we are all good Buddhists and admit dualities, both are equally good. In both cases, the principle is the same: deliver the maximum force over a single inch, thus smashing the enemy before you.

As you might be aware, it always helps to have a bit of a run-up, so I always deliver the one-inch punch after first feinting with the ten-foot charge and the two foot arm flail. This combination of the three techniques is bound to succeed.

Now, some people will say "No, that's not a one-inch punch. That's just running up to somebody and belting them one in the face as hard as you can." Well, all the great prophets through history faced scepticism, whether they were Galileo, Ghandhi or Gordon Gecko.¹

But did they let the naysayers hold them back? Of course not. And if anyone tells you that you're wrong, you know what to do: one-inch punch them flat, then step over their battered bodies. After all, many of the great advances in humanity have come about through mechanical assistance: people may be envious that I invented the first one-inch punch with a range of more than four yards, but they can't argue with the results.

And if they do, I'll deck them.

Of course, there is value yet to tradition, and that brings me to the second form of the one-inch punch. Suppose for a moment you're a frail thirty-two year old woman, whose only so-called "crime" is to park your car in the front of a bus after one drink too many?

Well, instead of being harassed by those belligerent boys in blue, you can stand up for yourself.² As this video shows, our heroine delivers a one-inch punch to the highly aggressive policeman at the 0:37, after he'd said something horribly offensive like "could you please stop ramming buses for a day or two, it's getting embarrassing."



Note the paralysing effect of the punch. For a second or two, it's as though the punch was no more than a half-hearted slap, the kind of thing that makes a man wonder whether this is the kind of thing the police union protects against, and then it begins to take effect. First, the victim moves his hand to his face, then, a few seconds later, he slumps to the floor, and a few moments later, when he regains the power of speech, he begins to howl in pain. It's such an astoundingly painful experience it's almost as if he can't believe that he's been hit that hard.

Of course, you might be concerned that the full force of the one-inch punch might be considered a lethal attack. Don't worry! As long as you come from the right family with a good upbringing (and your uncle is a judge) you should be immune to any legal retribution.

¹ And all three were handy in a fight: whether it was a bit of heliocentric argy-bargy, peaceful opposition to the British Empire or the inevitable consequence of declaring in front of some itinerant chefs that lunch was a meal fit only for wimps, you can be sure that the three G-men would come out whaling on their opponents.
² This is not to be recommended in London, of course, as you'll probably get truncheoned to the floor by a constable with anger issues and a sizeable implement.