Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Jokes about volcanoes, jokes about vegetarians

I saw Richard Herring's joke on Twitter that the true victims of the Icelandic volcano are terrorists. How will they get their 72 virgins without any planes to blow up? I'd retweet it, but it's too long to do that without making it appear that I AM THE COMEDY GENIUS and all must submit. Instead, I'll stick to jokes about vegetarians.

I did have one thing to say about the eruption: it was great, because it meant I could drag all my Easter material out again: after all, it's been Ash Wednesday all week. Arf arf arf.

Apparently they have erupting volcanoes all the time in South America, and that doesn't stop planes flying. It also doesn't stop you terrifying yourself by looking up airline safety records on Wikipedia, mind.

So, vegetarians. Some people say they're vegetarian "not because they don't like meat, but because they really hate plants.". That kind of person disgusts me: I'm vegetarian because I'm rather cheap, and I like turning pale and fainting occasionally.

Vegetarians are better than people who say "well, if you weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?". Well, if you weren't meant to shoot people, why were guns invented? If you weren't meant to push old people down flights of stairs, why is it so fun? If you weren't meant to make derisory comments about somebody's race or gender, why is it legal? Oh, hang on, that last one clearly needs some work.
My parents attended the open mike night at Takeout Comedy tonight, and were subjected to me boasting about having a huge penis (I keep it in a jar of formaldehyde in my bathroom) and a man doing magic tricks.

That is, there was a man doing magic tricks. I was not boasting about a man doing magic tricks. I'd hate to be misunderstood.

Various comedians tried to interact with my parents, but a combination of my father being a bit deaf and my mother wittering for England made them regret their choices. Never mess with a comedian's parents or he'll ... he'll... he'll reveal vaguely distasteful facts about his personal life in a misguided attempt to shock you?

But no, I really do have a massive penis.[1]

1 Pickled, in a jar of formaldehyde in the bathroom. My girlfriend thinks a bottle of shampoo would be much more appropriate.


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