Jokes about volcanoes, jokes about vegetarians

I saw Richard Herring's joke on Twitter that the true victims of the Icelandic volcano are terrorists. How will they get their 72 virgins without any planes to blow up? I'd retweet it, but it's too long to do that without making it appear that I AM THE COMEDY GENIUS and all must submit. Instead, I'll stick to jokes about vegetarians.

Proud

I hosted the Friday night show, and had the chance to try out a brand new joke in front of an almost-capacity (at least twenty people) crowd...

Manic depression, a frustrating mess

Jimi Hendrix has released a new album, Valleys of Neptune.  I'm not impressed.  Frankly, it smacks of nothing but self-indulgence and laziness that he'd spend forty years without putting out anything new.  I mean, even Chinese Democracy didn't take Axl Rose that long.

The comfort of strangers

Tonight I hosted at the club. I was a bit slow - really haven't devoted much time to rehearsal, what with 5am phone calls and then complaining about 5am phone calls. Repetitive? Me? Repetitive? Me?

Dim Sum and then to bed

Tonight was the third edition of Comedy Dim Sum, in which Stuart and I reprised our roles as St Peter and Jesus, and the crowd laughed a bit more. Perhaps that was because I didn't refer to the audience as criminals and perverts this time. I'm a silver tongued charmer.

A rabbit walks into a bar...

A rabbit walks into a bar.

Carrot and sticks

I tried out my "rabbit walks into a bar" joke for the first time this evening. Not on the crowd (which was packed at the club) but on one of the other comedians afterwards. There's a good five minutes at least of blethering there, possibly all sabotaged by the terrible punchline. But I think it could work.

Not as stand-up, perhaps, but performed in some context. Perhaps I'll video it and just have it as some sort of showcase of needless egoism. And blethering.

Jokes about different countries: Japan

I get on well with Japanese people. I think that's because the British and the Japanese have many similarities:

• We both live on islands
• We both talk about the weather a lot
• Neither of us are famous for the quality of our dentistry
• ... and we both have a lamentable history of tourism in China over the last two centuries

Blah, blah and more blah (with a slight poke at the Great Leader, and beer)

Tonight I hosted at the comedy club, which was for the best as I'd not written anything new or rehearsed this week. In fact, I really haven't rehearsed for ages.

I got away with it though, bouncing along on a tide of old jokes and inane crudeness, trying out a different order for my Shenzhen girlfriend joke (which didn't work) and getting some laughs for my porn marathon. A good crowd, even if it was just four paying customers and some comedians.

Waking from a dream

I don't often dream, or if I do, I don't remember my dreams. This morning I have a vague recollection of trying to persaude a woman to hit me in the mouth. That doesn't mean I'm a masochist. Anyone who says I am can hit me as hard as they like and see if I complain.


Perhaps that wasn't as well thought as it needed to be.

A short one

Just one thought for the day. We must be mindful of the environment, of all the precious species on earth, because if we don't, one day, when there are no more sharks in the sea, no more tigers in the jungle, no more pandas, no more turtles, no more eagles ...



What will they cook in Chinese restaurants?

Tidy up please

Today we took the tram to Wimbledon to see an old friend from Expedia.  Beforehand I met up with a college chum, Hugh, to talk about philosophy, denounce Wittgenstein for being (a) somewhat affected, (b) socially regressive when it comes to persuading university students to take up manual labour and (c) the scourge of honest, if inaccurate builders.

Shocked

I had a shock today when I weighed myself - 174.5 lbs. I was so gobsmacked that I lacked even the basic arithmetic to convert that into stones.

Correct nomenclature for carpenters

There's an expanding list of things I should have done this week; today I added running to that list.

Memories...

It's strange how physical sensations can prompt memories. Although I've been eating madelines all afternoon, and I can't remember a word of Proust.

Coming soon

Off to the comedy club tonight, to do my first set (as opposed to hosting) this year.  Good grief, where is 2010 going.  Think I'll open with some new stuff.  After all, that's the best way to get going.  Start strong fresh.

I guess people are now getting over the excitement of the iPad, and are now preparing for the next exciting thing: Chinese New Year.

Getting over myself

I realised that I spent most of last week in a big sulk because I had to do some work for a change. Maybe I've got accustomed to sitting bleary-eyed at my desk, blankly staring at nothingness. Or perhaps the meaninglessness of my existence is getting to me.

Misdirection

My girlfriend often says I'm not very romantic, but last night I said something that really surprised her.

Hills, hills, hills

Was expecting to do a bit of speedwork last night. Ended up doing hills instead - a short hill (maybe 50 yards, maybe less - twice the distance between a pair of lamp-posts, but very steep) - run up it and then back down it as many times as possible in 10 minutes. Twice. Interleave with a little bit of core work to build up strength, and then walk home, trying not to cry as the sweat rolls down into your eyes. Yup, summer's back to Hong Kong with all the wonderful humidity that is implied. And it's only February...
Had a 'chocolate sensation' at J-R for lunch. Probably wasn't worth paying $150 for, but it was very, very chocolatey.
Wrote a new joke for Valentines. Or is it new:
"I don't like Valentines. I got dumped last year. And I'd just bought her a kitten. And I'd spent hours wrapping it, not to mention how difficult it was to push it through her letterbox. There's no pleasing some people.